Make it a point this weekend to speak with your children about why we celebrate Memorial Day. It is a great teaching opportunity about true character, courage and integrity. And make sure your children see you stand straight when the Stars and Stripes pass by, and register a sharp salute or solemn hand over your heart in memoriam to those who gave all. By doing so, you will have done more for them than you can possibly imagine.

Day One 2012: Yet another holiday season has come and gone. The recipients of our wrapped objects symbolizing affection will have soon used, put aside, or have tired of them. This is especially so if the recipients were our young children. As men serious about engaging Life and Fathering Now, let us resolve to get serious about our gift-giving and focus now on giving the one gift that will positively affect our children for a lifetime. Fathers are naturally positioned to give their children of any age the most wondrous gift they will ever receive -- the “gift of You.” Whether your child is floating about the Waiting Womb -- preparing for the short, but strenuous, journey to the New World, or if she is only 2, or 52, it is a gift that is eternally at the top of her wish list. She may not know it is at the top of her list, but if she were aware of its impact upon her life, it most certainly would be. As for you Dads, simply being a father endows you with the superpowers to manifest and give this gift.  

In giving this gift, you will have forged a new relationship with your child, bringing each of you the relationship that you were always meant to have.  You will discover that you have arrived at another station of consciousness and encounter a sense of peace within that may feel foreign and familiar at the same time.

  

Where do you get the “gift of You?” 

“The Gift of You is Within You.”  

It is extremely difficult for most of us to try to find the essence of ourselves; to find that which we were before we were. The reason it is so difficult is because it requires an honesty that most of us are uncomfortable with.  Indeed, it can be so difficult for some to access themselves, often not through any fault of their own. Circumstances, environment, abuse, traumatic loss and brain chemistry can cause significant and sometimes impenetrable blocks to self-examination.  

However, it is more often the case that the reason most of us are unable to give the gift of You to our children is due to a refusal to be honest with ourselves. This can be particularly true for men. We go through life wearing a mask concealing our best Self and engage in a laziness of spirit, preferring instead the intoxicants of ego. Many of us spend our days shoring up the fortifications we have constructed with our careers, perceived social status and other diversions that may deny and defend against who we actually are. Any attempt to break through or even to examine those constructs can be perceived as a threat. We need to ask ourselves whom it is we are defending and at what cost. This does not mean that we cast aside our careers and other interests in life, it is simply a call to become more conscious of our choices and to re-examine where our commitments should lie.   

One of the most critical and challenging components of Fathering Now is the requirement to perform a thorough self-analysis that identifies those intoxicants of ego in which you are partaking. Further, to ask yourself how they are acting as impediments to revealing your true essence to yourself and to those whom you profess to care most about. Somewhere along this journey, you may come to find yourself holding a lengthy personal indictment. It may rattle your soul. Yet, in making the choice to engage Life and in seeking to understand, identify and eliminate the impediments within, you will soon part the curtain and the gift that resides within you will naturally emerge. You will make mistakes, experience setbacks,  and at times, become discouraged. But you must persevere and endure.  Working to reveal and give the gift of You to your children and others deserving of it is the ongoing mission of our lives. - JDB

 [This article first appeared in January 2011.  It has been re-written and updated.  Its message for Fathers (as well as Moms and all parents) is increasingly important as we enter 2012.  Our children need the essence of us in this rapidly changing world more than ever.]

Through a child’s eyes, many of the rights and freedoms some adults take for granted must seem quite constrained. Surely any three year old would be confounded by the “self-evident” truths of her unalienable rights to liberty and the pursuit of happiness enunciated in the Declaration of Independence; and given how some big people interact with her, she might feel even less entitled to any of the specific rights and freedoms set forth in the first ten amendments to the Constitution of the United States. Indeed, even the most learned and enlightened Constitutional scholars would be hard pressed not to abridge a toddler’s exercising of the right to freedom of speech in the only way she sometimes knows how: by crying and screaming as she flails on the floor in an effort to be understood. 

The possum stared me straight in the eye while gnawing on a Huggies diaper, tearing away at its colorful Woody and Buzz Lightyear illustrations.  Clementine rinds, coffee grinds and other pieces of trash were strewn about the front porch, spilling out from a gash in the green trash bag.  A few hours earlier, I had placed the bag on the front porch instead of walking to the side of the house and putting it in the trash can.  It was February 2nd and freezing outside so I simply opened the front door and tossed the bag out with the intention of placing it in the trash can in the morning.   The gray beast simply ignored me as he looked with beady, black eyes through the door window, daring me to stop him as he pulled apart the dirty diaper on the porch's outdoor carpet.

In the remake of the movie, True Grit, newcomer Hailee Steinfeld plays a young girl seeking to avenge her father’s wrongful death and bring his killer to justice.  She spends a significant portion of the film convincing the eye-patch wearing, whiskey-swigging Rooster Cogburn, the tracker and bounty hunter played by John Wayne in the original and admirably reprised by Jeff Bridges, to accept the assignment to hunt down her father’s killer. The girl insists that Cogburn shake off his hangover, take her seriously and rise to her expectation of “true grit,” the mantle Cogburn’s exploits and success in the American outback popularly conveyed upon him.  Among serving up other lessons, the film offers a stark portrayal of a girl’s desperate yearning for the men in her tragic, young life to step up and help accomplish her singular mission. 

Read the Trail

In an earlier post, The Gift of You, we touched upon men being unable to be present in their relationships.  The choice to “engage in a laziness of spirit” and partake in an imbibing of the “intoxicants of ego” are the greatest obstacles to a more fulfilling and deeper relationship with our children and other loved ones.  Whether done consciously or unconsciously, it is a choice to live life in this fashion.  If you make the choice consciously, perhaps it is time to actually read the markings along the trail and consider now pursuing a new track.  However, if you are like many men and unaware that you have gone off track, perhaps it is time to summon some grit, pay closer heed to the trail markings and take seriously the exhortations of your children, wives or other loved ones.  The trail is clearly marked if we make the decision to examine it closely enough.  We can choose to take the better track, one that is always available to us.  We start by considering the script we have been handed.

Rewrite the Script

Biology, tradition and culture have all contributed to casting men in the role of primary provider or family “breadwinner.”  In much of the world, men embrace the role and do a fine job with the script they perceive has been written especially for them.  Indeed, many men not only act out the script casting them as the lead in the motion picture of their lives, but also read from a script portraying them as the star, director and producer of the motion pictures of other family members as well.  Many of us are also guilty of overacting; providing unnecessary drama to scenes better left to more seasoned actors possessing greater self-restraint and poise. 

But men should not be completely blamed for their manner of method acting:  frequently unable to recognize when their performance is over or when the role calls for more subtlety.  Generations of countless paternal plays and retakes have left many men typecast and unable to embrace other genres, explore new roles or even ponder a different way to act.  We believe our destiny to engage in the financial rat race, to climb the corporate ladder and to maneuver daily for the pole position during the morning commute has been pre-ordained.  We are men doing what men are supposed to do:  provide for our families in the time-honored tradition of men.  We often do this without regard to the true cost to our spiritual bottom line, and by extension, we completely ignore that of our family’s.  It does not have to be so. 

It is time to write a new script that better honors and supports our own skills and credits as well as those of our family members and tiniest cast members – our children.  The first step in doing so is by becoming our own screenwriter and editing out, or at least acknowledging, those scenes in which our ego has the lead.

Best Actor: The Ego 

Instead of following the script and ending you perceive have been written for you, ponder the following in considering re-writing your script and taking the steps necessary to choose the ending:

1.   Do you like the motion picture you are in?  

2.   Do you like the part you are playing, the stage you have built and the scenes you have constructed? 

3.   Would you leap at the chance to play another character or try a role that really tested your chops?  

4.   Would you prefer a role in which you had the opportunity to work alongside your most loved ones? 

5.   Or do you profess to love the life you have created?  If so, have you done so at the expense of your family, your children? 

6.   Are weekdays spent building careers, moving product, managing wealth, selling objects, drafting reports, or flying to meetings with other actors?  Do you do this all in the name of the continued financial provisioning of your children, lifestyle or shoring up of your own economic insecurities? 

7.   Are you so in need of deserving downtime that you spend most weekends without your children on the golf course, at the pub, playing videogames, watching sports on television, or engaged in other such ultimately solitary pursuits in the name of relaxation or “family time?” 

8.   Do you justify your harried life and time away from your family by taking your kids all weekend to soccer, baseball and basketball; travel hockey and all-star lacrosse games and practices; only to stand on the sidelines apart from your children, albeit near the field?

Choose the Ending

It is likely that some of these questions strike a chord within you.  Do not feel alone or that your manhood is under assault.  The ego is a great actor and demands top billing.  These questions move toward replacing the ego and recasting the essential you in the lead.  They move you toward becoming the man and father you are supposed to be.  These questions can be difficult to ask and even more difficult to confront for scores of seemingly good reasons. If some of these questions resonate with you, perhaps it is time to ask who wrote your script and whether you will be truly happy with the ending. 

Why are you approaching life in this way and for whom or what are you living?  Have you become caught up in the intoxication of more doing, achieving and earning?  Are you addicted to the fleeting exhilarations of purchasing more, club memberships, a more prestigious address or even of a greener lawn?  Can you identify and choose to discard or keep at bay those intoxicants that may be unintentionally poisoning what truly matters in your life?  Are you willing to engage your children now and take the Field of Life with them, stepping from the sidelines and off the overplayed course?  Are you willing to choose your ending? 

Rise to Their Expectations 

Step up and fulfill your life’s mission and that of your children.  Step up and rise to their expectations.  Begin by becoming your own critic and choose your ending.  In doing so you will discover what having True Grit is really all about. - JDB

In our post, Rudyard Kipling Meets the Mummy and Other Bedtime Routines, we explored some components of a successful bedtime strategy for getting young children into their beds on time and with minimal angst.  The telling of a good bedtime story is a time-honored bedtime tradition that fathers can easily do with their children, ensuring a lifetime of fond bedtime memories with Dad for both you and your children. 

Kids Love Mummies

My boys, JDB2 and JDB3, happen to love Mummy stories.   I have now told close to a thousand Mummy stories, not one of them the same story.  “How can I do this?” you ask.  Am I a font of Mummy lore, a master Mummy storyteller, or just obsessed with dried out corpses wrapped in linen and enclosed for thousands of years in sarcophaguses.

No, kids make it easy because kids love Mummies!  

I don’t know why.  Just like some adults like Zombies, kids like Mummies.  So how can I come up with hundreds of Mummy stories you say?  In the words of the Wonderful Wizard of Oz, “Why back where I come from we have people called Raconteurs. And they have no more Mummy storytelling capability than you have.  But they have one thing you haven’t got -- a script!”  

The Bedtime Story Script

A script you say?  Yes, a script.  I follow the same basic script every night:

1. “Once upon a time, there were two boys, ages 6 and 2.  One day, they went with their Dad to.......”

[Insert something familiar to your child, perhaps somewhere they went or did that day.  They can be with Dad or Mom or both.]

2. “It was dark and gloomy.....”

[It can be sunny too, but it is usually dark and gloomy when Mummies are around.]

3. “When all of a sudden.....”

[Here is where the Mummy or Mummies appear.  For instance, the Mummy jumped out from behind a tree or they suddenly discovered that a Mummy was driving the bus or the ferry boat.]

4. Make Mummy sounds - Very Important!  

[Not sure what a Mummy sounds like?  Check out Abbot and Costello Meet the Mummy or simply improvise.  I don't recommend watching any of the Curse of the Mummy movies starring Brendan Fraser for accurate Mummy intonations.]

5. Quickly make up how one of the boys in the story comes up with an idea to defeat the Mummy.  

[It could be anything.  For instance, they figure out how to pour water on the Mummy so its wrappings come off or they trip the Mummy using a rope, causing the Mummy to fall overboard.  It doesn't matter how the Mummy is defeated.  What is important is that the children and the parent(s) work together to defeat the Mummy.]

6. “And that is the story of how the two boys and their Dad defeated the Mummy of the Woods, or the Mummy of the Ferry Boat, etc.”

[Often, the effort of the family working together to defeat the Mummy will have saved some other people in the story or even the entire world.]

That’s it - the Mystery of the Mummy Story Formula solved!  One thing I make sure not to do is to use my sons’ names during the story.  I keep it in the third person and only reference two boys and their ages.  They realize it is about them and that makes it even more fun for them.  You can come up with your own formula so you can tell countless stories about Mummies, Ghosts, or even the Bogeyman himself.  - JDB

JDB x 3, the Triumvirate consisting of my two boys, ages 2 and 6, and me, decided to go out for pizza at a local restaurant a few weeks ago.  The temperature that evening was hovering at the freezing mark and a gusting northwest wind made it feel even colder.  The pizzeria was only about a mile and a half from our home. Upon a particularly demonstrative display of toddler insistence, JDB3 prevailed in wearing his attire of choice under his winter jacket: Thomas the Train pajamas and red Elmo slippers.  JDB2 selected an outfit more in line with societal acceptance for informal dining.  As I often do, I did not wear a coat or sweater even though it was quite cold and windy.  I reasoned we would only be outside for seconds going from our home to my truck and from the restaurant parking lot to its entrance.

In bundling the boys back up after eating some delicious pizza in one of the cozy booths, I discovered that I could not find the keys to my truck.  I looked in the crevices of the booth’s cushions and under the table.  I looked in my pockets and under the napkins.  I looked in my pockets.  I looked under the pizza tray and even in the Elmo slippers.  I looked in my pockets yet again.  It quickly became apparent that I had locked my keys in the truck -- again.  I do this with frustrating frequency, to my great displeasure and dissatisfaction.  I chastised myself for this most recent failure to live in the present; and on this occasion my sons were unfortunately going to suffer along with me, bearing the brunt of my forgetfulness. 

I picked up JDB3 and held JDB2’s hand and walked out to the parking lot.  It seemed even colder after eating several slices of pizza as the blood’s attention drew to digestion rather than body heat management.  I peered through the driver’s side window.  As I suspected, the keys were sitting in the middle of the front bench seat.  They were right where I left them, in fact.  In between my internal cursing and external grimaces of acute pain for my sons to witness, I again tested the theory that a locked vehicle door will remain locked in spite of pulling on the handle numerous times.  We were indeed locked out.  We were cold too.

In looking at my sons, however, I realized that they were not upset at all.  They were at peace with the situation and not complaining or smirking, nor do I think they were running a tape of self-abusive statements through their heads like I was.  I paused and contemplated this.  My thoughts, followed by my reactions, abruptly changed.  This was the opportunity for an adventure!  It might be cold and windy, but a mile and a half walk with my sons through town and back to our home could be fun.  Elmo, however, protested.  The furry red slippers were not up to the journey and they would slow us down.  I would have to carry JDB3 and all 36 pounds of him back home. 

So we began our hike through town, looking at the Christmas decorations in the closed shop windows and imagining ourselves on a trek to visit Santa at the North Pole.  JDB2 dragged behind a bit, but never complained at all as we took in the sights and the lights, talking about everything we would do once we got to the North Pole.  At one point, we saw Santa’s sleigh high overhead with Rudolph guiding the way in between the stars to Christmas Town.  JDB2 glimpsed elves hiding behind the trees and JDB3 saw the lights of the Polar Express as we walked across the train tracks separating the town from the residential area where we lived.  My arms and lower back were aching as I switched JDB3 from one arm to the other, dipping our heads to shield our faces from the cold wind. 

The sparkling lights, inflatable decorations and holiday music emanating from many of the homes made the walk through the streets even more magical.  Soon enough, we followed the reindeer tracks to the entrance of the North Pole.  As we stepped into the toasty confines of our home and I took off my sons' coats, I contemplated what had just happened and the lessons my sons imparted upon me during our adventure.  I felt invigorated with the realization that I re-captured a happiness within our apparent misfortune that is normally reserved solely for children in the World of the Grown Up. 

A portal opened up in those moments in the pizzeria parking lot.  Look for these occasions in your life and learn to identify them.  Those are your orders.  Report back immediately with any discoveries. - JDB

 

 

 

The mission statement on FatheringNow.com reads:

THE MISSION OF FATHERING NOW IS TO RAISE CHILDREN TO PRESERVE THEIR ESSENTIAL BEING.  THIS WILL BE ACCOMPLISHED BY EMBRACING THE ADVENTURE OF LIFE AND HARNESSING THE ENERGY OF THE FATHER-CHILD RELATIONSHIP. THE IMMEDIATE OBJECTIVE IS TO FIX OUR SIGHTS ON OURSELVES.  THIS WILL REVEAL OUR OWN ESSENTIAL BEING AND, IN SO DOING, OUR CHILDREN WILL LEARN TO ENGAGE LIFE WITHOUT FEAR.

This sounds like some pretty heady stuff doesn’t it?  It is not.  What it simply means is that our children come into this world as perfect beings, souls fresh from the Baker’s kitchen.  Each of us enters the world of creation in this state.  However, as we grow physically and continue to download information from humanity’s database during life's progression, the underlying spirit often retreats from view.  Our essential being becomes hidden not only from others, but from ourselves as well.  In “growing up” and in an endless reaching for the skies, we forget our roots, our connection to the life-giving waters and only true source of sustenance. 

Fathering Now promises that our children present us with a remarkable opportunity to demolish the egoist walls of our construction and, like the wilting flower rapidly responds to watering, to quickly refresh our souls.  The immediate objective is to look within to begin this mission and to ready us for the reinvigoration.  Does this mean undertaking an inventory of ourselves as fathers and as men?  To query what we are doing wrong and what we could be doing better?  Yes, but it is more than examining what we may be doing or engaging in that may be hindering our relationship with our children, from preventing our underlying essence from shining through.  The approach is to seize upon the experiences of Life with our children to comprehend the stockpile of munitions we have at our immediate disposal.  By doing so, we can maneuver back into a present awareness of Life and also position our children to advance without fear.

We learn how to do this in the ordinary moments with our children and, in particular, in those moments in which we find ourselves most agitated.  It is in times of stress and agitation that portals to growth open and lead to a sudden clearing, enlightening our course with a crisp clarity.  - JDB

Now that the holiday season has come and gone yet again, the recipients of our wrapped objects symbolizing affection have likely already used, put aside, or have tired of them.  This is especially so if the recipients were our young children.  As men serious about engaging Life and Fathering Now, let’s resolve to get serious about our gift-giving and focus this year on giving the one gift that will positively affect our children for a lifetime.  Fathers are naturally positioned to give their children of any age the most wondrous gift they will ever receive -- the “gift of You.”  Whether your child is biding time in the Waiting Womb, preparing for the short, but strenuous, journey to the New World, or if she is only 2, or 53 1/2, it is a gift that is eternally at the top of her wish list.  She may not know it is at the top of her list, but if she were aware of its impact upon her life, it most certainly would be.   As for you, Dads, well simply being a father endows you with the superpowers to manifest and give this gift.  Before you dismiss this as feel-good nonsense, malarkey, rubbish, balderdash, poppycock, tommyrot, a humbug, or similar words needed to sustain this blog posting, you should know that there is something in this for you too.  

In giving this gift, you will have forged a new relationship with your child, bringing each of you the relationship that you were always meant to have.  You will discover that you have arrived at another level of consciousness and a sense of peace within yourself that may feel foreign and familiar at the same time.

  

Where do you get the “gift of You?”  You won’t find it if you type “gift of You” in the Amazon search box and you won’t find it on the Overstock site.  You won’t find any slightly used “gifts of You” on Ebay either.  I thought I found one on Craigslist, but it turned out to be a scam.  It can’t be found in any store at the mall either, or even at Walmart.  So where do you find the “gift of You?”  

“The gift of You is within You.”  

It is extremely difficult for most of us to try to find the essence of ourselves; to find that which we were before we were.  The reason it is so difficult is because it requires an honesty that most of us are uncomfortable with.  Indeed, it can be so difficult for some to access themselves, often not through any fault of their own.  Circumstances, environment, abuse, traumatic loss and brain chemistry can cause significant and sometimes impenetrable blocks to self-examination.  All four editions of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for the Diagnosis of Mental Disorders (DSM) are dedicated to such impediments.  

However, it is more often the case that the reason most of us are unable to give the “gift of You” to our children is due to a refusal to be honest with ourselves.  This can be particularly true for men.  We go through life wearing a mask concealing our best Self and engage in a laziness of spirit, preferring instead the intoxicants of ego.  Many of us spend our days shoring up the fortifications we have constructed with our careers, perceived social status and other diversions that deny and defend against who we are.  Any attempt to break through or even to examine those constructs can be perceived as a threat. We need to ask ourselves whom it is we are denying and defending against.  

One of the most critical and challenging components of Fathering Now is the requirement to perform a thorough self-analysis that identifies those intoxicants of ego in which you are partaking.  Further, to ask yourself how they are acting as impediments to revealing your true essence to yourself and to those whom you profess to care most about. Somewhere along this journey, you may come to find yourself holding a lengthy personal indictment.  It may rattle your soul. Yet, in making the choice to engage Life and in seeking to understand, identify and eliminate the impediments within, you will soon part the curtain and identify where the gift resides within you.  Effectively giving that gift to your children and others deserving of it is the ongoing mission of our lives.  

Fathering Now postulates that the opportunity to do this is presented in each moment. 

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our Light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

  We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world.

    There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel

     insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the Glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own Light shine,

  we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

   our presence automatically liberates others.

1994 Inaugural Speech

Nelson Mandela

- JDB